Divorce and Its Survivors

Divorce and Its Survivors

People who have gone through a divorce can often find churches that will preach at them. However, they need to find those that will minister to them.

Often they are made to feel like modern-day lepers, untouchable and unclean, by modern-day religious leaders more into God's judgment than grace or mercy, often with a self-righteous tint. These people appear to be more concerned with rules and appearances in this life than with a relationship with God and the appearance before the throne after this life.

Without excusing divorce, and while recognizing it as a sin, I want to concentrate on how God wants us to minister to people who have gone through the emotional, spiritual and material trauma of a divorce.

There are many Christians who love God deeply, who have experienced a divorce, before or after their spiritual birth, and are unsure about what God thinks of them. Some are concerned about what other Christians think about them. Some don't even know what to think about themselves. Before discussing ministry to people who have experienced a divorce, I want to look at divorce itself, to help lay a common foundation from which to continue.

What is divorce?
How does God feel about it?
Is it always a sin?
How serious a sin is it?
and Does re-marriage fit in?
Before doing that, I want to clarify something, especially for those of you that are 'divorced'. GOD LOVES YOU, and says to you what He said to His people when He 'divorced' them from the land He'd given to Jacob:

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope."

(All scripture quoted from the New King James Version.)

Divorce

Most people upon hearing "divorce" think of an unfortunate, sometimes tedious, emotionally charged, legal process. I want to show that it may not be only the paperwork that counts.

Let me illustrate: Let's look at a couple that has been married for fifteen years, with a 13 year old son and an 11 year old daughter. On the surface, they have everything, including active church membership. Yet, their private life (and their sex life) is so bad, they have given up on being a team. However, they choose to stay together until the children finish high school. For 5 years they live together without love, enthusiasm or compassion toward each other. They may even get separate beds. The day their daughter graduates from high school, they file divorce papers. Let's consider the following:

"When did the divorce occur?"
"Did their teenagers have quality role models for God's purpose in a Christian marriage?"
"Did the parents do what was best for the children?"
"Did the parents do what was easiest in the face of peer-pressure?
Notice the decisions the parents made.

They chose to paint a picture of a happy marriage where no such marriage existed. They took the easier way and chose to live a lie. I'm not saying it was painless for them, it wasn't. They stopped working at the marriage, and refused to admit to anyone that they had quit. They may have fooled virtually everybody at a distance, but not their children.

Those children may:

Picture what they saw in their teen years (emotional emptiness, neutrality, mechanical role filling) as a typical 'Christian' marriage. When comparing that to the image of a secular marriage (excitement, lifestyle, materialism, drugs, parties), it is easy to see why so many walk away from the faith and choose pagan lifestyles.
Become emotionally empty (little real love at home between the parents) and look for alternate ways to find fulfillment and 'love'. Drugs, sex, thrills, alcohol, etc., all offer a temporary ecstasy, a poor substitute for 'joy'. They didn't see 'joy' at their Christian home, they don't know what it is.
Death Certificate

I believe that a divorce agreement or a divorce certificate is, in some ways, similar to a death certificate. A doctor signs the death certificate, but doesn't kill anyone! The law requires a doctor's signature as an expert witness whose testimony is proof that the person is dead. Doctors are experts on life and death, so their word is final. Once signed, the death certificate is legal proof that the person is dead. In reality, the person may have died hours, days or weeks before!

Further, let's look at a situation where there is no body for a doctor to examine and declare legally dead. Some of our POW's and MIA's have long ago died, but there are no expert witnesses to close the case. Insurance companies, health firms, families and many others desire to close the door on the past in these cases. Un-closed death cases are an awful emotional drain on the survivors.

Let's further compare the death certificate to a divorce certificate. Both represent a death; one of an individual, the other of a mutual commitment. You may believe, that marriage is a mutual agreement. I believe that's true, but agreement to what? Safe sex? Children? Combining Incomes? Social status?

I believe that marriage is much more than an agreement, contract, or certificate. It is a commitment to each other and (for some) to God.

Before we compare our certificates, let's go over what a marriage is, so we can better understand what it is that died in the divorce.