How Serious is Divorce?

How Serious is Divorce?

Similar in affect to adultery, it affects both the sinner and others. Despite what some may say, it strongly affects any children that the marriage may have produced. (Look at the high teenage suicide rate, is it related to the high legal divorce rate, and even higher real divorce rate?) It's after-effects, partly because of society's attitudes, last a long time, and may hinder future relationships.

If someone is considering legally divorcing their spouse, because apparently all other options have failed, I would ask them to consider the following:

What most people do is not what God wants us to do.
The simple way out may not be the Holy Way out.
What is simple now, may carry pain for years or decades.
God can resurrect the dead.
Pray. Remember how Christ prayed when faced with the cross? When it was no longer off in the distant future, but was now ON THE NEXT DAY? After telling others He was having a tough time and admitting what He wanted, He said those powerful words:
Luke 22:42b "...not My will, but Yours, be done."

Divorce, real and legal, is not to be taken lightly.

Now, let's look at some other parts of scripture to get a more complete picture of what divorce is and how God feels about its victims:

Only one of the Ten Commandments has an 'or else' tacked onto it.

Exodus 20:7 "You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain, for the LORD will not hold him guiltless who takes His name in vain."

There is an unforgivable sin, and I am convinced it is not divorce. Jesus talks of the unforgivable sin of 'quenching the Spirit'. While we can have a long and lively discussion of what that may mean, that's not our subject here. For more on what it is, go to my article on "Unforgiveable Sin".

I believe that we can agree that whatever it is, it is not a reference to divorce.

Some believe the third commandment refers to words we say when hurt or angry. That commandment has nothing to do with what we say, it refers to us calling ourselves 'Christians' without doing what Christ would. Nor does it deal with divorce. Divorce did not make it into the 'top ten' of God's list at all. For more what the third commandment really means, go to my article on "The Third Commandment".

Divorce is a forgivable sin, and God forgives!

However, one of the challenges in dealing with this sin is visibility. Many other sins are private, and are between you and God, but not this one, especially if new lives have come out of this commitment.

Also, well-meaning people can unintentionally bruise the emotions of others. For example, an excellent sermon on the seriousness, beauty and joy of the marital commitment (primarily addressed to the already married, or soon to marry) may rightfully condemn 'legal' divorce. However the audience often includes a 'legal' divorce survivor with emotional and spiritual needs that the sermon doesn't address, as well as someone who has survived a 'real' divorce but hasn't had a 'legal' one yet, and is now more confused.

In his letter to the twelve tribes, scattered abroad, James wrote:

James 1:27 "Pure and undefiled religion before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their trouble, and to keep oneself unspotted from the world."

He talks about ministry to those that have lost their family's spiritual leader by death. Those who lost their spiritual leader by means other than death have spiritual and emotional needs that are very similar. The church can lovingly meet those needs, and be in line with this scripture.

What about Paul's words?

Philippians 2:13 "Forgetting those things that ...

Do they apply to every sinner except those who have been through a divorce? That view is inconsistent with the rest of the Bible, and probably inaccurate.

I also read (in 2 Samuel 11) how David, while King of Israel, sinned.

Instead of fulfilling responsibility, stayed home during a campaign.
While married, lusted for another man's wife
Acted upon that lust while her husband was out of town working for David.
When told she was pregnant, tried to cover up his paternity by calling her husband back into town (so he'd have a chance to sleep with her, and then believe the child was his).
When that failed, got him drunk, hoping that would work.
When that failed, sent him off, carrying his 'contract' to be murdered.
Waited a month after the murder, (to be 'proper') then married Bathsheba.
If we were to list all the men that God said are men after God's own heart, the only man on that list is ... the same David, King of Israel (Acts 13:22; 1 Samuel 13:14; 1 Kings 11:4b; 1 Kings 15:3b).

Maybe, just maybe, David wasn't after God's own heart 100% of the time. (1 King 15:5b)

How did God react to David's sins listed above? (2 Samuel 12)

He faced David through the prophet Nathan.
After David repented He told David the child would die.
The child died, as God promised, despite David's pleading.
David never has a quality relationship with any of his sons.
Remember that though there is a forgiveness of sins, there are also consequences. I am not saying the since David did it, we can. I am saying look at God's response and get a glimpse of God's character. Then decide if God would want us to respond the same way.

Notice however, that God didn't ...

Prevent David from ever touching a woman again
Prevent David from ever having children again.
In fact, God ...

Let David stay king and rule for another 20 years!
Let David and Bathsheba have another son, born not long afterward.
This Solomon, became his heir and one of history's most legendary kings.
God not only gave David a second chance, He blessed that second chance! God also allowed the consequences of David’s actions to fall.

While David had many wonderful successes in his life, there are few documented successes in his role as a father with his sons. They rebelled against him, and maybe they did it paralleling the way David rebelled against God.

I am not saying that we should use God's forgiveness to get away with sin. There will be consequences. Honest repentance of a PAST sin, frees you to live life fully. God erases the slate, though not instantaneously. Some people carry severe emotional scars for years, others for months. The harder it is to forgive (themselves, their ex-spouse, their children, their God, etc), the longer the healing will take. Pent-up hatred and bitterness, both from within and from others, slows the work of love.

Is Re-marriage an Option?

I believe that one of the worst things a divorced person can do is to go out and almost immediately date and/or remarry. They try to fill a hole that one person left in their lives with another person. That puts undue pressure on the second person, and may interfere with God preparing and healing the individual before the next relationship. (Yes, there are exceptions, but why push it?) There are those who use scripture to claim unshakable positions on re-marriage. They believe the "one strike and you're out" theory applies to marriage. They give more weight to the Law than to Mercy. Jonah stated (Jonah 4:2b) that God was a gracious and merciful God, way back then! Let's raise some other interesting questions, such as:

What sins fall under the group of 'one strike and you're out'? Which ones take two strikes? Three? Or even seventy times seven?
Does God ever bless a sinner after they've sinned? This was already answered above, wasn't it?
Can a promiscuous person marry? How much promiscuity is too much to allow the person to marry?
If a never-married, sexually active person can get married, receiving God's and the church's blessing, why can't an always monogamous, previously married person marry?
Read number four above again, slower.
Which heart is harder; the heart that sins, or the heart that refuses to forgive another's sin?
Note that the hearts of all people have sinned before you answer that question!